Conflict? Be Ready, Get Set, GO
Many people do not feel comfortable handling situations involving conflict, confrontation and difficult dialogue. Much of this is due to our lack of understanding about what it takes to do it well and our inability to draw on what we do know when we are emotionally challenged. I contend that there are three basic steps involved in mastering difficult dialogue – Be READY, Get SET, GO. These steps are quite simple but they are not necessarily easy. In this and upcoming posts, we will take a look at how to:
- Be READY,
- Get SET, and
- GO.
In my first post, I talked about how the concept of confrontation makes people very uncomfortable. Having said that, we all know it is difficult to avoid. Confrontation often leads to emotion, including feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, frustration etc. The fight/flight response kicks in and our bodies take us down a path that leads to a reduction in rational thought – not a good thing when entering into dialogue. As a result, we need to recognize that letting the fight/flight response take hold is not going to be helpful.
Being Ready
Although it may not seem so at the time, entering into confrontation and into difficult dialogue is a choice. The key to the choice is timing. You need to be READY.
Here’s an analogy. You are really busy. The phone rings you see the name on call display. The name belongs to someone who you know you need to have a conversation with but you are not ready to talk to them right now. The response is simple – you don’t answer the phone. However, when surprised by a conversation that is going to involve confrontation or conflict, it’s not so easy to simply not answer. That being said, the principle (don’t answer until you are ready) is the same.
If you are not ready, you need to delay in order to maintain your control so you can be at your best when the talking starts. There are many ways to delay having a conversation. We often do it quite naturally. I was socializing with friends recently and saw an example of the delay tactic. A group of us were talking and one person started a conversation with their spouse (in front of others) that had conflict written all over it and certainly surprised the spouse on the receiving end. To their credit, the spouse on the receiving end calmly said “we really need to talk about that but now is not a good time. Let’s go over this tomorrow right after breakfast”. Then someone else changed the subject and the conversation was delayed. We could all analyze this and find other ways that the spouse could have responded to delay the conversation, but the point is still the same. They weren’t ready. They knew it. They delayed.
Delaying a conversation has the potential to adversely impact the relationship if not done well. Acknowledging the need for dialogue and making a commitment are two helpful elements to put in a delay statement. There are many others.
As you read this, let me know what you think about the idea of delaying a difficult conversation. Have you done it? Did it work for you? What did you do with the time you gained be delaying? How do you feel if someone delays a tough conversation with you?
I’d love your feedback. For you bloggers out there, when you leave a comment, you will have the opportunity to provide a link back to your own blog but you don’t have to be a blogger to leave your comments! You can also find more information about me by clicking here to get to my website. I look forward to hearing from you.
Dave
Being ready is the toughest. If you lose that, you may never even be able to handle what comes next. Good to see your post at http://zoomit.ca I hope you will continue to be an active participant.
Thanks for the comment and for reading the blog post on difficult dialogue. You’re right about self-control impacting everything else that comes later. The more you understand how you’re likely to react – and the consequence of that reaction – the better able you are to manage your reaction. Love to hear more. Thanks.
Delay is good when you can do it – cooler heads can prevail – but sometimes conflict is the result of such overcharged schedules that the conversation is long overdue, and scheduling a time to talk is not something practical. Catch 22, I suppose.
Hi Anthony, You are right that overcharged schedules lead to having the “long overdue” conversation. As you say, the catch 22 is that – although scheduling time to talk seems impractical, it will likely save you time in the long run. Planning for a conversation that is long overdue is a choice that in contrary to our normal patterns and that’s what makes it difficult. Future blogs will explore how we can make this more practical. Thanks for reading my post and for adding your comments.